Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
