I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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