My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
