and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Couch. On fire.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
