u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
