Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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