Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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