he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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