I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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