Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize