I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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