At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
