I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize