I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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