So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
