I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
