Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
