I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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