So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
