this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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