I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
