get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
