ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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