Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
