Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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