it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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