And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
