So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How does it feel to date your dad?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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