I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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