I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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