Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
