My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
