I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
