ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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