Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
