remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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