You smell like stripper and shame
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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