As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
