the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
