I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So I just went to clothing optional bar
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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