I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
