WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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