i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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