My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
