eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
