Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
