..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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