Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
