the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
His nipple licking is glorious
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