I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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