Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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