if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
