I will die if light touches me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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