when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
