Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize