I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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